Coming home is always an adjustment. I cry when I pull in the driveway. It's lonely at home. Nobody there. I have great friends, both here and out there. But that doesn't stop the loneliness of living alone. The contradiction to this loneliness is the freedom that I do enjoy. I'm free to do anything I want, any time I want. Who wouldn't want that? But couldn't I have that and a partner too?
Speaking of partners, I tried dating last week. OMG! Do I have to go through this once again? I've been dating for 30 years, seems like. You'd think I have it down. I just hate the getting to know you stage while you're trying to figure out if someone is just extremely interesting (that would be a good thing) or WEIRD (that would be a bad thing). It's a fine line. Kinda like hiker or homeless. But I found that when it comes to WEIRD, I have to listen to my gut...and my gut said WEIRD, so I canceled the 2nd date we had scheduled. I did it in a very nice, polite email. And you know what he wrote back? WHATEVER Now that tells me I got it right. He was WEIRD.
So I stay busy. Never been a problem for me. I can waste time better than anyone I know. I'm never bored, but neither am I productive. I'm just busy. Let's see, what have I done today? (Have I mentioned I have no memory?) I managed to sleep until 10 am. That's a good way to shorten the day. Just keep going back to sleep. It's quite fun. Then, I checked my Have-A-Heart trap and yes, I caught a woodchuck. Ok, so I moved him out of the neighborhood. Then I made coffee and breakfast (fruit, yogurt, raw oatmeal...my fav). Since then I've puttered: online, checking apts in St. Augustine (I'll tell ya later.), reading Facebook, made a To Do list, went upstairs to start filing months worth of STUFF, found a map of St. Augustine and mailed it to older daughter (cause she and hubby are going there this fall), got mail, saw unusual charge on phone bill, called and complained (it was some sort of scam where someone saying they were me signed up for 247MP3.com membership using my phone number - I was on the AT when this occurred and not near a phone - CHECK YOUR BILLS!); then I set up autopay for a credit card (steps req'd to life on the road - all bills paid automatically), then I went back to filing - after snacking, of course, and then I remembered I wanted to update my blog. So here I am!
While I was filing, I came across some notes I had written over a year ago while dealing with the breakup with Dennis and trying to figure out my life. I thought I'd write them here:
What am I free to do now?
Start now and make a brand new ending.
Just see the next step - not the whole path.
The gift of dead ends is that there is nowhere else to go but somewhere else.
The blessing of not having a map is that you are forced to go places you would not go if your path were predetermined and well-marked.
You still have your passion!
No matter what the outcome of our connections with another person, when love enters our life, it never leaves without transforming us to the very depth of our being. We may lose the relationship, but we never lose the love.
Look for the daffodil - something is always blooming in cold, dark times.
Find ways to share your love, your caring, and your wisdom. Someone needs what you know.
There is nowhere to go but more deeply in to the here and now.
So out of the pain of that time, I found some deep wisdom. Don't know what to do with all that but I thought it was pretty profound.
I'm still wandering around in the dark. I had thought about driving to San Diego this fall as I have a wedding to attend there the first weekend of October. But I felt unwilling to commit to that plan, so I left it open. I've decided not to drive out, but to fly. Think I'll rent a car out there and toodle around, not sure where yet. I have to wait for things to come to me. Sedona and Santa Fe are in the back of my mind.
Then there's St. Augustine. My daughter, Dana, is a professionally trained pastry chef who has helped Luli's Cupcakes develop a wedding cupcake line. But she's so talented and driven, that it's time she started her own business. And I think the time has come for me to move down there for the winter and help her get The Classic Cakery off the ground. What else have I got to do and we have such fun together! She's doing wedding cakes now but she needs a professional kitchen so she can advertise and really get this business going. So I'm looking to rent a small, but cute place there for the winter and play in the sun. See how plans drop into my lap. That's why I always stay flexible and uncommitted until the thing that really excites arrives.
And I'm still playing with the idea of biking Australia next year. Looking for a trike right now because they are soooooo comfortable! I'm tired of being in pain for 8 hours a day biking.
So that's some of What Now. Stay flexible. Don't commit.
Hugs to all, Bag Lady
