What the hell am I up to? That's a good question

Ya know, sometimes I forget that I even have this blog out there. Can you believe it's 12:30 in the morning and I have been on the internet since about 7 pm researching gear. Yup, tents mostly, for this upcoming hike of the Pacific Crest Trail. Somedays I wonder if I'm crazy. What am I signing up for. Can my feet do another 5 month hike? (I started to type 6, but then remembered that I have to finish this thing in about 5 months. It's close to 500 miles longer than the AT and that took me nearly 7 months if I deduct the 2 weeks off trail for Avery's wedding...so 500 miles longer and almost 2 months less that I have to do it given the weather window. That makes for some long hiking days, my friend.) Better question might be, can my knee? There are days it hurts walking. But back to late night and gear searching. I angst over gear. Did it before the AT too. But I think it paid off. I was pretty happy with my choices. The only thing I traded out was the hammock for the SMD Lunar tent. And I loved my tent. So why am I tent shopping? Good question! Because I'm afraid this tent may be too hard to pitch on that rocky trail. It must be staked all around or it falls down. So I've been looking at free-standing tents: Big Sky Mirage and Evolution 1P, and Henry Shires Rainbow Tarptent.

And I need a warmer sleeping bag: WM Ultralite, FF Egret, or Montbell UL SS #2. How cold does it get out there? Too light a bag and I'll be chilly like my current bag is, but too warm and I'll be having night sweats all the time. See how much fun it is to be me?

And then there's the pack question. Mine needs some repairs: buckles are warn and sliding, pockets have been chewed by mice, it looks really baggy and big and messy. Can I get something smaller? There were times mine was filled to the brim, like the 100 mile wilderness in Maine. Can I really reduce my volume and weight? What will I be doing differently? Not leaving my pillow home, that's for sure! I think I should get it repaired either way. It's a good pack: ULA Catalyst.

How cold does it get? I ask again. Do I need warmer clothes? Will my down sweater and fleece be sufficient to keep me warm? So many questions. Am I over analyzing? What about water filtering. I liked my gravity filter, but it's heavier than doing drops. But don't drops spoil the wonderful taste of the wild water? I don't want to do that.

So can you see that I'm just all over the place with crazy thoughts trying to figure out this hike and what needs to change, what can stay the same, what do I need to do to be successful, does it matter if I finish?

Ok, I'm tired. And I'm rambling.

I must say I do love the fact that I have some friends that want to hike with me! Yippeee! One's on board: Bonnie Carolyn, a woman from Florida that I've never met but who hiked the AT the same year I did...and Bluebearee, the ridge runner from Abol Bridge, Maine that I met when I got there...she's still undecided, but I have my fingers crossed she'll come. What ever happens, it will be the best PCT thru-hike EVER! New friends, new views, new experiences, new challenges. AIN'T LIFE FABULOUS?????

So that's what's on my mind these days while I'm running between my house and Shalom Mountain 4 hours away every couple of weeks. There's things I love about both places so I'm dividing myself. Long weekends home then back to the mountain for a couple of weeks. It sorta works and keeps me occupied for now. And helps me to spend time with all the new friends in my life and keep up with the old ones too.

Step Lightly,

Nightie Nite!

Bag Lady

Summit Anniversary #2!!!!!

I decided that the acknowledgement of my 2nd Summit Anniversary needed it's own post. That's a day I won't easily forget. It was a Wednesday. I had gotten to Katahdin Steam Campground the Friday before and would normally have summited on Saturday with my "croo" but because my partner, Dennis, and my daughter, Dana, were coming up to summit with me, I decided to meet them in town on Friday night, hang low on Saturday, camp out at the campground Saturday night, and summit on Sunday. Good plan. Didn't happen. It rained Saturday night in the lowlands and snowed and iced on Katahdin. Class IV. Mountain closed.

Monday, still Class IV, can't climb. And now the campground is closing and we have to move to Millinocket, the closest town. Get a room at the motel.

Tuesday, Mtn closed. It was a beautiful sunny warm day so we go for a hike. By now the town is filling up with hikers. More coming in every day. All waiting to summit. Some I knew, most I didn't...because they were behind me. They knew of me. Had read my entries in the shelter registers. We start hassling the rangers that we need to finish. There's been no place else on the whole trail that they've said whether or not we could hike it, why here? We're going on Wednesday whether they officially open the mountain or not. By this time, 25 hikers have collected and are chomping at the bit. We ready! We've hiked 2,170 miles to get here and we want to finish.

Wednesday dawns...no that's right, we're up before dawn. We have to get to the gate to Baxter State Park by 6 a.m. so that we can get into the park. They only

let a limited number of cars in and we don't want to be shut out. Nutella, Sir Privy Winks, and Luna are getting a ride out with us. These are hikers I met during my hike and I'm excited to be summiting with them. Bluebearee, a ridge runner, and the ranger are there at the campground to

greet us. And off we go!

The first mile or so are a slow climb in the woods, past a waterfall, over some boulders. Then the boulders become more prominent and larger. And larger! And pretty soon we're having to really scramble our way up, sometimes grabbing metal bars in the rock to hoist ourselves up...and

up...and up.

All along a rocky ridge line. And then we hit the tableland which flattens out. The ice is covering most everything. It's beautiful! It's winter again. I started in the winter in Georgia and I'm finishing in the winter in Maine.

INCREDIBLE!

And up and up and up. A hard climb for Dana and Dennis, as I can only imagine. (I had had 7 months of conditioning.) And then I see the "sign". The thing I walked 2,175 miles to touch. Dana was hiking in front of me. Dennis was behind trying to video and hike...(not an easy thing to do). And Dana stepped aside and said, "The moment is yours, Bag Lady!"

And on I pushed, up and up.

And then I was there!

At that old, faded maroon saw-horse shaped sign that has printed in washed-out white letters, " Katahdin, Northern terminus of the Appalachian Trail, a mountain footpath extending from Georgia to Maine."

And the emotions are unlike anything I've ever known. Intense happiness, joy, tears, sobbing, disbelief, wonderment, undefined.

I did it! I said I would!

Step Lightly,

Bag Lady

What am I up to?

What am I up to? Are you ever going to keep up your blog? Ok! Ok! I get the message. Somebody is really reading this and cares to know what I'm doing. Where do I begin? Guess I should go back and see where I left off...................

Ah, yes, just home from the AT adventure. I remember. Well, I went to the Work Weekend at Shalom Mountain over Labor Day and had a blast. Like a family reunion! And since my family doesn't have reunions, this was quite a treat! I love having lots of people around and Shalomers are the best: people who love to hug and listen and care. And while I was t

here, it became evident to me what the next thing I had to do was: volunteer...at the Mountain...and live there for a few months. Can I do this? Just up and move here? They need me. The office assistant was leaving the end of September and the person who was going to pick up the responsibilities was sick, and I have the smarts and the skills and the time and the desire, so what the hey. Ok. I'll come. Besides, it will be a chance to experience living in an intentional community, something that I've wanted to try. And I love this place. And I love the people. So I told them I'd go home and pack and be back in a week.

But I have appts back home. Ailments. Old age? I don't know. Ever since June I've had this ache in my shoulder, chest, and neck. Started out slight, changing, moving, glowing kind of pain. Had it massaged at Shalom and again when I got home. Nothing. Forget about it. Nope...not going away. Better see my man, Brett...the Muscle Maintenance guru. He can fix anything. And that's who my appt was with. So I moved to Shalom September 14th and drove back to Rochester for one night the following week.

And I also have plans to fly to San Diego to visit my # 1 daughter and her hubby, and attend the sister-in-law's wedding. That was the the first 2 weeks of October. Can we work around appts and trips? I'll just learn the workings of the office in September, then take off for 3 weeks in October. Am I crazy? Well, yes I am, but what's that got to do with anything?

So that's what I did: moved to Shalom Sept 14, home for a quick visit Sept 22, home again Sept 29, flew to SD Oct 1, flew home Oct 13...and I'm heading back to Shalom next Monday the 19th. Whew...even I'm exhausting myself!!!

And add to all that, I've had a boarder staying at my house for the last month. A young guy from Shalom, Govinda, moved in while he was investigating living in Rochester. I loved having him here taking care of the place (and what a fine job he did!), but he's decided to move back home and leaves today. Sob...sob...I'll miss him.

Also a dear friend from Florida, Kim, up visiting her daughter, stayed here. It's getting to be like a hostel. She arrived before I got home from SD and is leaving after I go back to Shalom. I love all the activity here. Maybe I can open as a hostel for people passing through Rochester. But I guess I need to be home more to do that.

So back to Shalom for a couple of months, although I do have some weekends planned to be back here. Can't stay away forever, I miss the place. And besides, now with Govinda going I don't really have anyone to collect the mail and water the plants. I've over used my friends, I think, so I'll just see if they (the plants) can go for a stretch until I can get back here. It will be cold so they shouldn't dry out as much, right?

Step Lightly,

Bag Lady

p.s. the pigs are at Shalom...one is ours but we call them all Kevin...

What Now

I'm home from my 3 weeks on the Appalachian Trail. I found it impossible to keep up my blog from the trail because of poor service. Ya know, I got this darn iPhone so I could keep up my blog, check emails, use the GPS instead of carrying maps. But the thing works best from my kitchen! I don't need those services there. I can use my beautiful MacBook Pro there. I need it when I'm traveling. But AT&T coverage is terribly lacking, even in well populated areas like Massachusetts. Go figure! So I try my best.

Coming home is always an adjustment. I cry when I pull in the driveway. It's lonely at home. Nobody there. I have great friends, both here and out there. But that doesn't stop the loneliness of living alone. The contradiction to this loneliness is the freedom that I do enjoy. I'm free to do anything I want, any time I want. Who wouldn't want that? But couldn't I have that and a partner too?

Speaking of partners, I tried dating last week. OMG! Do I have to go through this once again? I've been dating for 30 years, seems like. You'd think I have it down. I just hate the getting to know you stage while you're trying to figure out if someone is just extremely interesting (that would be a good thing) or WEIRD (that would be a bad thing). It's a fine line. Kinda like hiker or homeless. But I found that when it comes to WEIRD, I have to listen to my gut...and my gut said WEIRD, so I canceled the 2nd date we had scheduled. I did it in a very nice, polite email. And you know what he wrote back? WHATEVER Now that tells me I got it right. He was WEIRD.

So I stay busy. Never been a problem for me. I can waste time better than anyone I know. I'm never bored, but neither am I productive. I'm just busy. Let's see, what have I done today? (Have I mentioned I have no memory?) I managed to sleep until 10 am. That's a good way to shorten the day. Just keep going back to sleep. It's quite fun. Then, I checked my Have-A-Heart trap and yes, I caught a woodchuck. Ok, so I moved him out of the neighborhood. Then I made coffee and breakfast (fruit, yogurt, raw oatmeal...my fav). Since then I've puttered: online, checking apts in St. Augustine (I'll tell ya later.), reading Facebook, made a To Do list, went upstairs to start filing months worth of STUFF, found a map of St. Augustine and mailed it to older daughter (cause she and hubby are going there this fall), got mail, saw unusual charge on phone bill, called and complained (it was some sort of scam where someone saying they were me signed up for 247MP3.com membership using my phone number - I was on the AT when this occurred and not near a phone - CHECK YOUR BILLS!); then I set up autopay for a credit card (steps req'd to life on the road - all bills paid automatically), then I went back to filing - after snacking, of course, and then I remembered I wanted to update my blog. So here I am!

While I was filing, I came across some notes I had written over a year ago while dealing with the breakup with Dennis and trying to figure out my life. I thought I'd write them here:

What am I free to do now?

Start now and make a brand new ending.

Just see the next step - not the whole path.

The gift of dead ends is that there is nowhere else to go but somewhere else.

The blessing of not having a map is that you are forced to go places you would not go if your path were predetermined and well-marked.

You still have your passion!

No matter what the outcome of our connections with another person, when love enters our life, it never leaves without transforming us to the very depth of our being. We may lose the relationship, but we never lose the love.

Look for the daffodil - something is always blooming in cold, dark times.

Find ways to share your love, your caring, and your wisdom. Someone needs what you know.

There is nowhere to go but more deeply in to the here and now.

So out of the pain of that time, I found some deep wisdom. Don't know what to do with all that but I thought it was pretty profound.

I'm still wandering around in the dark. I had thought about driving to San Diego this fall as I have a wedding to attend there the first weekend of October. But I felt unwilling to commit to that plan, so I left it open. I've decided not to drive out, but to fly. Think I'll rent a car out there and toodle around, not sure where yet. I have to wait for things to come to me. Sedona and Santa Fe are in the back of my mind.

Then there's St. Augustine. My daughter, Dana, is a professionally trained pastry chef who has helped Luli's Cupcakes develop a wedding cupcake line. But she's so talented and driven, that it's time she started her own business. And I think the time has come for me to move down there for the winter and help her get The Classic Cakery off the ground. What else have I got to do and we have such fun together! She's doing wedding cakes now but she needs a professional kitchen so she can advertise and really get this business going. So I'm looking to rent a small, but cute place there for the winter and play in the sun. See how plans drop into my lap. That's why I always stay flexible and uncommitted until the thing that really excites arrives.

And I'm still playing with the idea of biking Australia next year. Looking for a trike right now because they are soooooo comfortable! I'm tired of being in pain for 8 hours a day biking.

So that's some of What Now. Stay flexible. Don't commit.

Hugs to all, Bag Lady

Back on the Appalachian Trail

Today I hiked from Salisbury CT to Sages Ravine Campsite. 8 miles and
it took 8 hours and 45 minutes. Can't
say we were speedy but we had a woman in her late 60's and on her
first backpacking trip with us, so that accounted for the speed. I'm
sure she'll get faster as she gets more comfortable with her pack
weight, the rocks, and hiking in general. We've got short days planned
whle she's on the trail and that's just fine with me!

I must say I've been reminiscing a lot today out here. It was almost
exactly two years ago that Thumper and I hiked through this same
section of trail. It feels great to be back out here! I remember
many sections quite well and it almost scares me. I may decide to stay
out here a week longer than planned...cause I can. (hope my plant and
mail sitter is okay with that! I think I need to get rid of the
plants and figure out something better for the mail. Maybe I should
gave the mail forwarded to someone and then just the first class stuff
would collect and the junk would die a timely death at the post office!)

I have to say that being out here reminds me how much I like being
disconnected. I like my money to move and bills to all get paid
automatically. And I pretty much have that all set up. It's the odd
item that arrives in the mail and needs someone's attention. I haven't
figured out how to handle that. Dennis (my ex partner) took care of
all these things for me when I did the AT. Maybe he'd be up to the
task again if I decide to bike Australia next winter. (I'm pondering
it!)

But for now I'm tucked in my tent enjoying the woods again and the
feeling of fatigue after a good day of hard hiking!

Step Lightly, The Bag Lady

Sent from my iPhone

Learning to Blog is time consuming...and the rest of RAGBRAI

Well, I've now lost the whole post that I spent 2 days writing. All because I was trying to delete a photo and the page wasn't user-friendly. "Delete It" didn't mean the photo I checked, but the whole posting. Go figure!

All that after I found out that the blogs I sent from the road on my iPhone with pics, only the pics posted, not the text. Luckily I still had the email and could cut and paste the text in. The learning curve is killing me!!!

So now I’m writing the blog in Pages so that if I lose it again, I won’t have

to start all over. See, I get smarter every day!

Back to RAGBRAI. Zip, zip, zip....I can still hear the sound of bikes zipping past. Bikes were everywhere! And they were always zipping by, whether I was standing still or pedaling. Well, on occasion I did pass a few, but usually only on hills. I got to using Tim’s method of gearing up on the downhill, build momentum, no coasting, then keeping the gearing engaged, pedal hard up the other side. That worked well for me on the rolling hills, but if the hill was long, I’d lose momentum getting down onto my Granny gear and then all was lost. And let me tell you, there were a lot of hills in Iowa. The southern part was a roller coaster. It was definitely noticeable when the road stayed flat for 1/4 to 1/2 mile because it was so rare. Most of the time we were either going up or down.

Imagine 10,000 to 15,000 bikes rolling in

to any small town on any day. That’s what we did 5-8 times a day for 7 days. And each town was a county fair of sorts. Music, food, stuff for sale, and bikes! Lots of bikes. Laying down, leaning against each other, propped against every wall, tree, post, truck or anything else that would hold up a bike.

And the costumes were so creative. Chiquita banana and dancers. Guy in a different colored speedo each day. Flamigos. Cowboys on stick horses. And on and on. Every day I saw something I hadn’t seen before. And I loved the creativity.

People of all ages do RAGBRAI. There were children under 3 being pulled in trailers, as young as 4 pedaling on the backs of bikes, age 8 riding their own bikes... Then there were women and men in their 70's and 80's doing this ride too! They are all my role models. I can't imagine having the strength at that age.

And the bikes: trikes, tandems, triples (a mom and 2 boys about 10 yrs old!), unicycles, roller blades, running, and I'm sure I've forgotten some. Oh yea, the one with a sail!

Lines, standing in lines. If there was a line, I was probably supposed to be in it. Lines for the KYBOs (porta potties...Keep Your Bowels Open...must be a RAGBRAI thing), lines for food, lines for showers, lines just to get through a town. Patience is a requirement...hurrying is an impossibility. And often, after much advertisement about a special food item at the next town, they would have sold out of it. No Whoopie for me. No ice cream for me. No Subway for me. But there ususally was something else further down the road.

Food. County fair food. There’s no vegetables, except corn, in Iowa. But there is meat, mostly pork. I’ve never eaten so much meat in my life. I don’t know what a vegetarian would do on this ride. I don’t think it’s possible unless you brought your own food. Maybe you could find a grocery store in the overnight towns, but I wouldn’t count on it. And there were lots of fruit pies, everywhere. So pie for breakfast, BBQ pork something for lunch, smoothie in the afternoon and then I was lucky if I got dinner. One night it was a Power Bar I had in my bike bag.

I traveled with a charter group, so that I had a neighborhood amongst the 10,000 cyclists. That was a smart move.

I met people on the bus ride across the state from Burlington (the end town where I left my car) to Council Bluffs. Jim, Jay, and Kaitlin was a dad and his 20 something kids. Melissa, a sports writer for AP from NY. Janel and Ann, women from Illinois. Glen, Bill, and Tim, three Jamokes from Chicago. They were the funniest guys, always good for a laugh. And they took good care of me. Helping with my bags, getting my stuff out of the rain when I came in hours later than they did, hanging with me at the musical entertainment at night. Thanks guys, you made my RAGBRAI!

Well, I’ve done it, but I’d never do it again. It was exhausting. Long days in the saddle. Blisters where one shouldn’t have blisters! Too much stimulation. Too many people. Too much frustration. I lov

ed all the people - they were warm and friendly - both on the ride and in the towns. Iowa is a beautiful state. Looks a lot like NY. And the creativity. The cyclists costumes, the town’s decorations! We were warmly welcomed, that’s for sure!

So I can check RAGBRAI off my Bucket List.

Two days at RAGBRAI

53 miles day one. 73 miles day two. An undulating ribbon of riders snake down the roads as far as you can see in either direction.

10,000 people on bikes

2 guys on unicycles

1 guy on rollerblades

1 gal running the miles every day

And the fashion is like nothing else. Guys in tutu skirts. People dressed like bananas, flamingos, and super heros. A guy in a speedo with money tucked in it. A girl dressed like a Chiquito banana dancer. Guys in cowboy hays with stick ponies attached to their bikes. Whenever you think there's nothing new to see, look up. A biker fashion you missed will be biking by.

I've eaten pulled pork nachos, inch and half thick porkchop, hamburgers, breakfast burritos, cinnamon bund, and many slices of pie. But tonight for dinner I had a Power Bar. There are so many people everything sells out early

And you wait I'm line for food, showers, porta johns.

And then there's the danger of riding on the road with bikers of varying skills and speeds. Usually the whole road is closed to autos and we fill it but you have stay in your narrow 4 inch alottment. And signal with your voice and hands if you're going to shift over. If you're going to stop, don't stop on the road. Pull off the road saying "biker off". And get on saying "biker on" and waiting for a space in bumper to bumper bikes. It's quite stressful. I was taken down by a little old lady yesterday who was going the wrong way on the left shoulder. No injuries though.

I'm tired after not getting much sleep last night. We were camped next to the fairgrounds and they had loud and louder bands playing til well past midnight. Then they flew a copter overhead to wake us and get us out of town this morning

Tonight my tent is set up on a swine barn at the fairgrounds in Greenfield. I need the tent to change clothes. But at least it will stay dry.

Sleep now so breakfast comes sooner. I'm pretty hungry!

I think I'm having fun. Don't think I'd do this ride more than once, though.

Tomorrow's another long day of over 70 miles. Sure hope the swelling in my

knee goes down or I'm gonna be a hurtin' lassie tomorrow.

Zzzzzzz

The road to RAGBRAI

I can't believe I'm on the road... again. This travel big must be in my blood. I feel quite happy when I leave home. I feel lighter, less encumbered. I feel strong, In my power. I feel more at home away from home... go figure.

Got out of town around noon, as planned. Then, around Erie PA I began to think about the fact I hadn't checked the oil. Dennis always did that. And I still forget to pick up the slack. I quickly look up high on the windshield to see how overdue an oil change is...only 6,000 miles overdue! Guess I'd better get that done. And sooner rather than later. Good ole iPhone. Let's google "oil change" and it finds the nearest place. Quick call. Yup, they can take me right away.

Got that done. And back on the road.

Why does driving always make me want to eat? I munched and munched my way to Indianapolis tonight. Sleeping in my truck at a rest area where the lights are too bright and the highway too noisy, but beggars can't be choosey.

Nighty night!

Loneliness

Loneliness is a strange and unfamiliar emotion that I've been having for the last year. When Dennis moved out last March, for the first time in my entire life I began living alone. Truly alone. Before that I lived with my parents; then roommates; then husband; then husband and oldest daughter, Avery; then only Avery; then Avery and Dana, my second daughter; then only Dana; then Dana and Dennis; then only Dennis. Then just me. JUST ME! I get tired of being only with me, only with just my thoughts. As good as they are, and I like myself and my zaniness quite a bit, they do get old and limiting after a while. I reach the same dead ends day in and day out when there isn't someone around to throw other possible conclusions or options in my thought pathway to head me down a different direction. And without work to distract me, it makes for some long days.

So what's a typical day like for me, you ask. I try to sleep as late as possible to shorten the day. Sleeping mask goes on when I awake around 7 a.m. (my usual wake up time) and I manage to go back to sleep until about 8:30. Then I may read a bit til 9 or so. Up, on goes the coffee, check emails and Facebook, and wander about the house. Perhaps outside. And wander. I wander about, puttering most of my day. I spend a lot of time on the computer, googling this and googling that. And I munch. Wander and munch. I must munch more than I wander because I can't seem to drop 5 pounds. I used to go to CrossFit 3 mornings a week and I loved it. But it didn't love me. It caused too much bodily injury I'm afraid. So, for now, that's on hold. My days fill up but I can't tell you what I've gotten done. I putter in the garden, I putter in closets and cupboards trying to clean stuff out, I putter in the basement. But when I look back at the end of the day, I can't figure out what I've accomplished. Accomplishments. Deliverables. I'm trying to let go of those concepts. I don't have to get anything done by the end of the day. And I seem to have grappled that, because I often don't.

Most days I spend alone and most days I don't leave the house. I might go for a bike ride or a paddle on the canal. But not often. I might walk to town, but not often. I might go to the library for movies. I don't watch TV or movies during the day. I do sun quite a bit. Feels good. Warms my soul.

But I'm lonely.

I have a dear friend and playmate that lives here in the village. And since she's unemployed right now, we often have coffee together in the morning or dinner together at night. She's my connection, my anchor. I need that. Without it, her, I'd feel like a dinghy floating in the ocean. I have no direction. No purpose. Don't know which way to paddle to find shore. Well, I guess, even with her I feel like that dinghy. Just when she's around I feel less lost. I can tell her all the crazy feelings I'm having and she lets me have them. She's patient and listens to my rantings and ravings over and over again. What would I do without her?

But when she's not around, she's got a life too, then I'm usually lonely and empty.

But this only seems to happen when I'm home. When I'm on the road, I'm happy, I'm powerful, and I'm in love with life! Home is the place I least like being.

And I'm lonely even in a crowd. Last night I walked up to our Tuesday night's antique car show. People all around, but I'm not connected to any of them. I have nothing to say to them, so I don't. Nothing happens that causes a connection to occur. So I walked around, alone, and then I walked home. Then I drove to the lake, alone. Sat in the car, alone. Watched the sailboats, alone. Then drove home, alone.

But what's really strange about this loneliness, is that when I'm with people it's gone for that time, but returns when I return to my house, alone. And it's not constant. Some days are lonelier than others.

I really appreciate what Pearl must have gone through. She lived to be 106 1/2 and she was lonely. Her husband died 40 years earlier. That's a long time of loneliness.

What a crazy society this is where our elders live alone and not with their families. When the time comes, my daughter Dana better take me in. I promise to listen to her needs and be as accommodating and easy to live with as possible. Just to not live alone in my senior years, I will do anything.

But what's the solution for today? More travel this year. Keep reaching out to friends. Keep building other relationships. Keep looking for Mr. Right. Explore Intentional Communities as a possible way of living within a community of like-minded people. And stay aware: aware of the loneliness, aware of the cause, aware of the solutions. Maintain consciousness. And all I have to do is just be.

Home from Shalom Mountain

This past week I attended a Sexuality and Spirituality retreat at Shalom Mountain, a place of emotional and spiritual healing in the Catskill Mountains of NY. (Please google it and check it out.) Now, I hadn't selected this retreat to attend. It selected me. I was planning on attending the Women's Festival there the weekend before (a decision I made spontaneously while biking to CrossFit one morning of the week before). Then on the day I was to leave, I got a call from the Shalom inviting me to attend because they needed more women for this retreat and offering it to me at a reduced rate. One quick call to my sister-in-law (a long time Shalomer) and she convinced me I would benefit from this work. So, not one to pass up the opportunity for an experience or an adventure, I said yes. Not know what I was getting into!

During the Women's Festival, I kept hearing "the best retreat on the mountain" over and over again, from women. So I was beginning to get anticipatory. Now I'm not going to go in to details about this retreat, surprise is part of the experience I believe, but I do want to say that all the right people were there to bring to me awareness of a sexual trauma issue that I thought had no longer ramifications. I became aware that when I was molested as a young girl by my gramma's brother and told her of it, she told me to just stay close to her. Nothing more was said about it in my presence and my parents were never informed of the incident. I discovered this weekend that that incident formulated a pattern I've exhibited the rest of my life: silence when threatened by anyone (sexual or otherwise), hiding behind my grandmother's skirt for fear of being injured. Hide. Run away. Do not confront. Do not say No. Do not address the issue.

This weekend I painfully addressed an injurer with the support of my sisters and the understanding of my brothers, and my family group standing at my back. Big step. Growth is very painful. But the initial outcome of speaking my truth and not wanting or allowing the injurer to speak was a division of the group, a disconnect that I was unwilling and unable to mend. "Jagged edges" one attending called it. I had used all my strength and all my voice in speaking up. I had nothing left to protect myself from his words. There was nothing he could say that would make what he did okay for me. NOTHING. And I didn't want to honor him with allowing him the honor of speaking to me. As emotions in the group rose, I wanted to run and hide. What had my speaking up caused? Look at this pain on this group of people that I love. And yet, to take care of myself first, I had to stay strong in my belief that he not speak to me. To allow that would have been a co-dependent action on my part, another issue I wrestle with. The retreat leaders were even divided and in their own pain. But in the talent of Shalom, they were able to let us end the process right there and allow time and the universe to decide what needed to happen next in this process. Speaking one's truth is soooo scary and I won't always have the support that I had that night. But I intend never to be quiet again. If someone injures me, I will protect myself. I will say no, you cannot do that to me. And I will do it in my womanly power, not from the scared little girl.

Let me also say that the following morning I went from fear of this man to compassion which I was able to express only after knowing that the issue would not be dropped or swept under the rug, but picked up by a sister and processed off the mountain. I could put my sword and armor down and begin my healing because she was taking up my battle for me. Thank you, sister!

Growth, painful and necessary.