What the hell am I up to? That's a good question

Ya know, sometimes I forget that I even have this blog out there. Can you believe it's 12:30 in the morning and I have been on the internet since about 7 pm researching gear. Yup, tents mostly, for this upcoming hike of the Pacific Crest Trail. Somedays I wonder if I'm crazy. What am I signing up for. Can my feet do another 5 month hike? (I started to type 6, but then remembered that I have to finish this thing in about 5 months. It's close to 500 miles longer than the AT and that took me nearly 7 months if I deduct the 2 weeks off trail for Avery's wedding...so 500 miles longer and almost 2 months less that I have to do it given the weather window. That makes for some long hiking days, my friend.) Better question might be, can my knee? There are days it hurts walking. But back to late night and gear searching. I angst over gear. Did it before the AT too. But I think it paid off. I was pretty happy with my choices. The only thing I traded out was the hammock for the SMD Lunar tent. And I loved my tent. So why am I tent shopping? Good question! Because I'm afraid this tent may be too hard to pitch on that rocky trail. It must be staked all around or it falls down. So I've been looking at free-standing tents: Big Sky Mirage and Evolution 1P, and Henry Shires Rainbow Tarptent.

And I need a warmer sleeping bag: WM Ultralite, FF Egret, or Montbell UL SS #2. How cold does it get out there? Too light a bag and I'll be chilly like my current bag is, but too warm and I'll be having night sweats all the time. See how much fun it is to be me?

And then there's the pack question. Mine needs some repairs: buckles are warn and sliding, pockets have been chewed by mice, it looks really baggy and big and messy. Can I get something smaller? There were times mine was filled to the brim, like the 100 mile wilderness in Maine. Can I really reduce my volume and weight? What will I be doing differently? Not leaving my pillow home, that's for sure! I think I should get it repaired either way. It's a good pack: ULA Catalyst.

How cold does it get? I ask again. Do I need warmer clothes? Will my down sweater and fleece be sufficient to keep me warm? So many questions. Am I over analyzing? What about water filtering. I liked my gravity filter, but it's heavier than doing drops. But don't drops spoil the wonderful taste of the wild water? I don't want to do that.

So can you see that I'm just all over the place with crazy thoughts trying to figure out this hike and what needs to change, what can stay the same, what do I need to do to be successful, does it matter if I finish?

Ok, I'm tired. And I'm rambling.

I must say I do love the fact that I have some friends that want to hike with me! Yippeee! One's on board: Bonnie Carolyn, a woman from Florida that I've never met but who hiked the AT the same year I did...and Bluebearee, the ridge runner from Abol Bridge, Maine that I met when I got there...she's still undecided, but I have my fingers crossed she'll come. What ever happens, it will be the best PCT thru-hike EVER! New friends, new views, new experiences, new challenges. AIN'T LIFE FABULOUS?????

So that's what's on my mind these days while I'm running between my house and Shalom Mountain 4 hours away every couple of weeks. There's things I love about both places so I'm dividing myself. Long weekends home then back to the mountain for a couple of weeks. It sorta works and keeps me occupied for now. And helps me to spend time with all the new friends in my life and keep up with the old ones too.

Step Lightly,

Nightie Nite!

Bag Lady

Home from Shalom Mountain

This past week I attended a Sexuality and Spirituality retreat at Shalom Mountain, a place of emotional and spiritual healing in the Catskill Mountains of NY. (Please google it and check it out.) Now, I hadn't selected this retreat to attend. It selected me. I was planning on attending the Women's Festival there the weekend before (a decision I made spontaneously while biking to CrossFit one morning of the week before). Then on the day I was to leave, I got a call from the Shalom inviting me to attend because they needed more women for this retreat and offering it to me at a reduced rate. One quick call to my sister-in-law (a long time Shalomer) and she convinced me I would benefit from this work. So, not one to pass up the opportunity for an experience or an adventure, I said yes. Not know what I was getting into!

During the Women's Festival, I kept hearing "the best retreat on the mountain" over and over again, from women. So I was beginning to get anticipatory. Now I'm not going to go in to details about this retreat, surprise is part of the experience I believe, but I do want to say that all the right people were there to bring to me awareness of a sexual trauma issue that I thought had no longer ramifications. I became aware that when I was molested as a young girl by my gramma's brother and told her of it, she told me to just stay close to her. Nothing more was said about it in my presence and my parents were never informed of the incident. I discovered this weekend that that incident formulated a pattern I've exhibited the rest of my life: silence when threatened by anyone (sexual or otherwise), hiding behind my grandmother's skirt for fear of being injured. Hide. Run away. Do not confront. Do not say No. Do not address the issue.

This weekend I painfully addressed an injurer with the support of my sisters and the understanding of my brothers, and my family group standing at my back. Big step. Growth is very painful. But the initial outcome of speaking my truth and not wanting or allowing the injurer to speak was a division of the group, a disconnect that I was unwilling and unable to mend. "Jagged edges" one attending called it. I had used all my strength and all my voice in speaking up. I had nothing left to protect myself from his words. There was nothing he could say that would make what he did okay for me. NOTHING. And I didn't want to honor him with allowing him the honor of speaking to me. As emotions in the group rose, I wanted to run and hide. What had my speaking up caused? Look at this pain on this group of people that I love. And yet, to take care of myself first, I had to stay strong in my belief that he not speak to me. To allow that would have been a co-dependent action on my part, another issue I wrestle with. The retreat leaders were even divided and in their own pain. But in the talent of Shalom, they were able to let us end the process right there and allow time and the universe to decide what needed to happen next in this process. Speaking one's truth is soooo scary and I won't always have the support that I had that night. But I intend never to be quiet again. If someone injures me, I will protect myself. I will say no, you cannot do that to me. And I will do it in my womanly power, not from the scared little girl.

Let me also say that the following morning I went from fear of this man to compassion which I was able to express only after knowing that the issue would not be dropped or swept under the rug, but picked up by a sister and processed off the mountain. I could put my sword and armor down and begin my healing because she was taking up my battle for me. Thank you, sister!

Growth, painful and necessary.